me digo tantas cosas que ya tu coro ni oigo (oratorio)




    Escribir sin meta, pintar sin que haya en la cumbre o en la senda ni tesis a la que llegar ni canción con la que animar a la tribu. Ni historia. El escribir este que ahora miras expectante - buscas su utilidad como es lógico - muere cuando el bolígrafo mancha la hoja, en el momento horrendo en el que el cursor escupe sombras de grafito en una pantalla. Es este escribir un gesto que se cancela con una torsión de cabeza - como la niña de “El exorcista” hacía por vicio-  porque, al ser leído, el mensaje es solo ya el olor de un cadáver . Y huele el signo, sí, pero  no a mi propia putrefacción - ay, qué alivio entonces – sino a cadáver de otro y como en clave de broma. No es el propio muerto con el que uno se topa al girar la esquina de este escribir. Son otros los que, habitando tu mente, se despiertan sin aliento que ofrecerte en comunión o desayuno.

  Sin embargo, lo sé con esa certeza perversa que brota de la pérdida de todas las otras, no he caído aún en el más abajo. Quepo en otro error: suponer algo seguro de sí y como salvaje – muy hombre y con nombre – ubicándose emboscado en el momento previo a esa escritura necrófaga. Un ímpetu hacia la grafía que en ella se pervierte y que justifica el acto con la conclusión de que es mejor cerrar la escritura para que eso se me muestre puro. La inocencia de la intención. El pre-, lo- no- tematizado-aún  ¡Ay, infeliz! ¡Qué sabrás tú de ímpetu! ¡ Qué sabrás tú de eso! El momento previo es el último expirante. No especialmente querido tampoco ---  ni el elegido. 

 Escucha ahora el silencio tras la música de Franck (Les Beatitudes). No me llega el rumor del coro. Atiendo, sí,  a lo que se resquebraja en la cercanía hiriente, las escamas arrumbadas de un pez que se me anuncia como padre y hermano. O lo que sea. No, yo tampoco lo oigo ya. Estamos sordos para el los cielos y los infiernos. Peces sordos en superficie hablando por whatsaap. Gente.

Me hablo a mí en las letras y me crece la nariz de Pinocho mientras babeo a menos de una cuarta de distancia de mi rostro. Me hablo y me ensalivo.  Soy una mujer embriagada que, para vencer el ruido ambiental, me cuenta su historia tecleando su lengua en el tímpano que, una vez, fue mío y ahora es solo la pared solitaria que se  hace eco de sus entusiasmos. Me hablo, en la escritura que es muerte, como un adolescente que intentara marcarme en su edad y en su desfase con el tapiz de todos los miedos y cobardías que pudimos compartir. Tapiz del sentido en la broma de  un amor malogrado y otros psicodiagnósticos. Me hablan ellos y yo me digo lo mismo en la escritura que ya no es mía ni dice lo que pienso recién parida en la hoja. 

Pudimos serlo todo, digo sin convencimiento

Un cascote vuela sin huracán que lo sustente. 

Me dejo arrastrar por el hueco arcano del tarot sin cartas.


 Sin embargo, espero la alegría - ¿alguien lo duda? - y el anuncio mesiánico es lo que cuenta. Ese anuncio que hoy llega en la conciencia de un letra que ya huele al cadáver de otros. Hermanos e hijos, supongo. Una letra que debía callar para que tu coro a mi oído llegara y mi voz en tu tímpano encontrara la santa consigna de la fraternidad o el matrimonio. La alegría, te digo, de escribir por fin el poema que a todos prometiste.

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día de santos y difuntos

este hombre está muerto. La frase pudo haberla dicho la médico pero fue el cura el que la pronunció con aire evangélic...